Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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