Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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