I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
