After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize