The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
