My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize