My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
