Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
