Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I deserve this hangover.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
