You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
