I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
