Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This baby is an asshole
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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