I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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