NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
