need another drink. this is the easiest way
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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