She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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