If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
