omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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