when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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