More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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