he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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