Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
