Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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