I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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