i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
