I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
