my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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