Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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