hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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