Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
