Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
