One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
