i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
