I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
