oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
