so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
