my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
