rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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