drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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