Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
