Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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