Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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