Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
