arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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