She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
