i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think my fart just growled at me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
