when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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