just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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