you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
