I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
