If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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