I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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