he looks like a really good dad on facebook
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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