I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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