You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize