How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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