You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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