Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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