I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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