i permit you to call me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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