so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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