Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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