She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
