I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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